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Once more, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, therefore I am announcing the champions for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The belated statement this 12 months was thought to be hampering comfort efforts both in Bosnia therefore the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative events became grumpy while waiting for term from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our very first category is.
Best Airhead Sex movie Turnaround, a jungle-sex that is erotic about an unemployed actress whom daydreams about consuming hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and having wild intercourse like they do in paperback novels. She gets her opportunity whenever she actually is chased by masked gunmen towards the Costa valley that is rican of white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most readily useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return associated with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Cannot Fly. Together with champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Most useful Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: Basic Instinct satisfies Tron in Newt Gingrich’s nightmare that is worst, the storyline of the nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who loves her computer a great deal she’s got intercourse along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the correct respect for awesome pc pc computer software.
Best Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Home Video, whilst the video clip nerd whom falls deeply in love with the weapon moll on a cross-country killing spree.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who speaks Japanese and knows the thoughts of killer ninjas, so that the police chief brings him away from your retirement and turns him loose with a few attack tools in a cemetery filled with medication goons.
While the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, once the artist that is haunted by nekkid ladies who can not realize why he gets plenty intercourse in a single film; and Street Angels, while the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches concerning the fighting abilities of seafood.
Most useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, given that junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her boyfriend that is old saying, “we like pets. “
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or more serious, while the ignored spouse packing up all her stuff, placing the youngsters within the section wagon, and having from the lying no-good scumball she’s hitched to.
Additionally the winner is. Steen, Turnaround, once the oversexed blonde who daydreams about planing a trip to Costa Rica, consuming some strange jungle medications, and having sex to a nekkid Indian as he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, since the mystical gf whom wears a micromini and high heel pumps through the entire movie, such as the scenes where she actually is being chased by mobsters with automated weapons myfreecams webcam.
Lissa Boyle, buddy associated with the Family, once the hot-to-trot child known at the twelfth grade being a United Way Agency; and Intimate Deception, while the knockout nude model who really loves her work, saying, “we glance at myself as an important ingredient into the art of creation. “
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another tale, the hot party that is little who simply keeps dancing down on the roof of this trendy Southern Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in the front of the neon indication.
J.J. North, Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold, within the name part, for saying, “Help me personally, i am huge! ” and, “I’m a girl–i that is big care for myself. “
Therefore the winner is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for “guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that turn out to be your preference that is downfall”–a that somehow regarding her memories of bodysurfing along with her daddy.
“Water has become an extremely healing thing in my situation, ” she claims, prior to a hunk walks from the surf and begins kissing every inches of her hula-skirted bod.
This might be prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses like a hooker, dials within the right man together with perfect girl on her behalf computer, then waits into a sandwich for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her.
Most useful Femme-Fatale Shauna O’Brien, buddy for the Family, while the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, presents by herself to your stepmom as a classic friend of a buddy, and eventually ends up set up into the visitor home, where she’s sex with everybody in the household.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack for the 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic featuring J.J. North once the ditzy blonde who takes just a couple way too many breast-enhancement medications and ultimately ends up stomping around Malibu such as the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit problem.
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Return associated with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the very first decent sequel to your best drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night partners whom get lost away on the road, in which a creepy redneck called W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering figures and quoting literary works and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
In addition to champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence movie, the movie that is finest ever manufactured in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce being a nerdy spouse deeply in love with their camcorder whom eventually ends up operating through the legislation with three convenience-store professionals who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Yet again, we’d no overlap using the other honors utilising the expressed word”Academy” when you look at the title (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT features that are special